A huge chapter in my life is coming to an end. My husband and I are divorcing after being together for fourteen years.
For those of you that know us, will be shocked to hear this information. Just like my husband, it feels like it is coming out of nowhere. For me, this was not an impulsive hormonal selfish decision. This was a definitive and confident decision that was formed from the cumulative choices we made throughout our entire marriage.
I am not going to go into detail as to why I wanted a divorce. However, I will share one reason that I think many people relate to and resonate with in their own story.
In recent years, I have often thought of my mom and my grandmothers. They lived in a time where it was expected that women get married and have children despite their own wishes. Society, culture and other people dictated or pressured them to make choices about their lives.
If I were to play out my mom’s life on a screen in front of me, summing up the turning points and major decisions in her life, I can see clearly that she sacrificed to always do the “right” thing in order to make others happy.
This screen would reveal how she got married at 25. Back then, that was considered old for a female to marry. Despite never wanting children, she started having babies soon after marriage, having three children within five years. She moved five hours away from her extended family to live in a small town where her husband’s family lived. She supported his dream to start his own business and became his secretary never using her own college degree. Just when she thought she was done having babies, she had a surprise pregnancy. She gave birth to me shortly before she turned forty.
Even though she worked outside the home, she did the majority of the parenting duties. Just like most moms today, she ran us kids around to practices, games, events, all the things. She planned our birthday parties, bought our gifts, helped us with homework, paid the bills, and the million other little things that keep a household running smoothly.
She stopped working for my dad when I was in high school to watch my baby, which was also a surprise pregnancy. She wanted me to finish high school and college, so she made that possible for me by being my babysitter.
She is no longer here for me to ask her my questions. I can’t help but wonder if she was truly happy with her choices. Did she make those choices because that was the expectation of what she should do as a woman, mom and wife? If we could turn back the clock and go back in time, would she have made the same choices if she was thinking of her own happiness?
Women were supposed to put their husband and children first above their own wants and needs. To this day, we still tell women to put everyone else’s needs before their own. As though women are only here to serve others.
This story does not stop with one woman in my family. I think of the history of my grandmothers and other women in my family, and they are so similar. Although the details of each of their stories are different, the sacrifice is the same.
Their lives were never their own. They did what was expected of them.
I empathize with that pain. My entire adult life, I have felt the same thing. My life is not my own. I have yet to feel free to truly choose the way I want to live.
Yes, I consciously made every choice that led me to this point in life. Yes, I lived with the consequences of all my choices. However, I can’t get rid of this underlying feeling inside of me of being stuck and trapped in a cage. I have had this feeling since I was in high school, and I am almost forty-three years old.
In recent weeks, I came to the realization that I deserve to be happy too. I can’t be like my mom anymore putting everyone before myself. I can no longer make decisions solely based on other people’s happiness, including my children and husband. It is time I put myself first, because I deserve happiness. It’s my life too.
I can’t stay married any longer just to keep the rest of my family happy. Quite frankly, how happy can the rest of them be if I am not happy? I am done pretending everything is okay when it is not okay.
Yes, I am breaking our vows and dissolving our marriage. I am breaking a good man’s heart that I have loved and who still loves me deeply. I can’t help but feel this decision is something I must do for myself.
I have no idea what the future holds. I am aware that there will be challenges ahead and I will have to walk through them alone. I will be starting a new chapter in my life, and I am so excited!
That excitement I feel about this decision is how I know I am making the right choice for myself. Our feelings are our own internal GPS. The feeling of excitement tells you that you are on your right path and making the right choice.
That is how I feel about this divorce. I feel so excited. Most of my life, I used to fear the future. I hated not knowing what was to come. I would cause myself so much suffering whenever I thought about all the possible scenarios of what will happen next.
Now, I still have no idea what my life is going to look like tomorrow, next week or next year. Instead of feeling fear, I am excited to see how it all unfolds.