I have fooled myself into thinking I can prepare myself enough for your death, that when the time came, maybe it won’t hurt as bad. After last night’s scare, I realize that no amount of preparing for your death will ever be enough. I will never be ready. I will never willingly let you go.
I have wondered a million times why you stay. Your body imprisons you. Your mind limits you. Anyone from the outside looking in views your existence with pity. Why would you want to live another day on this earth stuck in a body that limits your soul?
The only thing I can think of as to why you would stay here for as long as you have is either you were a huge asshole in a past lifetime (we must have been assholes too) and are paying off some serious karmic debt, and/or you stay for us. The ones who love you the most that will be left behind on earth after your body dies.
The number of times you have come close to death and are still here, makes me think it is you that is making the choice to stay. It is as though you are fighting to live, when it would be so easy for you to go.
Why would you choose to live, especially in your state? I have asked that question so many times throughout your life. When so many healthy people walk around ignorant of the natural gifts they possess.
The gift to be able to walk anywhere you want to go. To be able to chew food and swallow it with ease. Enjoy the pleasure of tasting food in your mouth. To be able to have a conversation with someone. To be able to scratch an itch. To be able to put your own clothes on your body. Bathe yourself. Tell someone how you feel. Touch someone intentionally. Tell someone what you need or want. Say “I love you”. The gift to be able to do anything you want besides being stuck in a growing body that lives as an infant.
The only conclusion that I can think of as to why else you would stay is “Love”. We love you so dam much, and you feel that. You must feel that. We take amazing care of you and alter our lives around you, because we love you so much.
The thought of losing you seems plausible until death gets too close. If you have ever been close to death, it is like an elephant in the room. A huge energy that can’t be ignored where nothing seems to stand in it’s way until something that feels like a miracle comes racing in the space to sever death’s invitation making it vanish as fast as it appeared.
You have scared us too many times to not feel death creeping in, as though it’s knocking to check on you to see if you are ready. Each time so far, you slam that door in it’s face and come back to us.
No one may envy how you exist in a body that betrays you, but the way you are loved is to be envied. You have been loved and wanted from the moment you were born. You will be loved and wanted until you die.
I have no doubt I have loved you “for a thousand years and I will love you for a thousand more”. That is how deeply in love I am with your soul. We will be forever bound for as long as time exists. I know your soul loves us in return because there is no way you would have stayed for as long as you have if it was not for the love you received.
Author’s Note: This is not to diminish anyone else’s love you had for someone that is no longer alive. For if love alone could keep someone alive, then the planet would be bursting with people everywhere. I am only trying to understand my story. Everyone’s story is unique and beautiful, do not diminish your story by comparing your journey to mine. Like a flower growing next to another flower, our roots may intertwine & we need the same source to grow, however what we bloom is unique to us alone.