Christmas time has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I would always get caught up in the Christmas spirit. I love it all. I love the lights and decorations. I love the whole process of gift giving, from thinking about the perfect present to purchase to giving it to the recipient. I love how most people seem a little happier and have the giving spirit. The end of the year always felt different, in a good way, from the rest of the year.
Why is this year so different for so many people? Maybe, it is just different for me, and I am finally noticing that it is hard for so many others as well. I did all the same motions that I do year after year. I always have a “Winter Bucket List” of traditions that I like to do with my family. The list usually consists of the same things: decorating gingerbread houses, driving around looking at Christmas lights and getting milk shakes, watching Christmas movies, going on the Polar Express, opening an advent calendar each day leading up to the twenty-fifth of December, Elf on the Shelf, and opening one present on Christmas Eve and wearing matching pajamas to bed. This year it all felt like too much. Instead of enjoying crossing things off the list of winter fun, it felt like a “To Do List” to get through.
I know everyone’s situation is different. I had a great year and 2022 overall was kind to us up until the last few weeks of the year when chaos and stress hit me hard. My son Ryland had to stay in the hospital and our dog died. My Christmas spirit plummeted when the stressors of life felt overwhelming. I never related more to the Grinch than I have this holiday season. I started asking myself a lot of questions.
Why do I do this to myself if I do not even enjoy it anymore?
Ever since I had my two youngest children, I have made myself a parenting goal to make their childhood as magical as possible. It was the only time in their life where I had any control. I wanted them to look back at their childhood one day and think “I had a great childhood”. What price am I paying to give them this so-called magical childhood? Is my sanity worth the fee to make this attempt that I will fail because I will never reach this magical status of a blissful childhood because it does not exist. I guess what I need to remember is that they may or may not recall when they become adults all of the fun activities that were planned with them in mind when they were kids. However, they most likely will remember how they felt about their childhood. Did they feel loved? Did they have more happy memories than sad ones?
Why are presents the main focal point on Christmas?
I know this holiday is about Jesus and his birth. Let’s face it though, the focus has turned into presents and Santa Claus. This hit me the hardest this year and where I related to the Grinch the most. Although he was stealing the presents under all the trees from the residents of Whoville to cause them grief, he had the right idea. The presents and the emphasis of Christmas seems to be around giving and getting gifts. I felt this deeply this year that it is all too much. Too much money spent on gifts. Too much stuff coming into the house when our house is already cluttered with too much stuff. The thought of even more clutter coming into the house really upset me. Are the hours or weeks following Christmas that are still filled with pleasure from the new treasures worth it when next month the excitement of the newness will be gone? As a stay-at-home mom, that is what most of my job has consisted of since my kids are in school. I take care of our things all day. All these new presents have just been added to the stuff I get to manage. My workload just became bigger. It is all too much!
What about me?
What do I get out of this situation? I think if it no longer brings me joy to do these things for my family, then that means it is time to switch things up a little next year. I can change our traditions. Heck, we do not even need to have any traditions. We could change it up each year if we wanted, and not commit to doing something for the sake of tradition. It is okay to change your traditions if it causes you mental anguish or stress and is no longer fun. We can keep the ones we enjoy the most and eliminate the rest if it is done just for the sake of keeping the tradition alive.
Although this Christmas felt different than the rest, I am always grateful when sadness brings me insight and wisdom. The sadness helps me to see things differently and change things that need to be changed. I guess just like physical pain tells us when something is wrong with our body, sadness alerts us to the heartbreak of our soul. Christmas spirit is not just about giving to others, but perhaps giving to ourselves as well. Being kind to ourselves and giving ourselves grace, patience, and permission to do what we need to do to have more peace.