There is a common expression we say in the United States that says, “time heals all wounds”. Is that true for everyone? Does time heal all wounds?
If you live long enough, which for some people does not have to be very long, you will experience trauma and suffering. Out of all the experiences throughout your life, some wounds cut deeper than others. Some are so deeply imprinted in your soul that you can spend years of your life trying to recover and heal.
I have had many challenges and trauma along my journey through life. One event stands out the most that has caused my greatest suffering. The type of suffering that takes years to heal, therapy sessions, medication for phases of depression, and a lot of introspection.
What should have been one of the greatest days of my life, turned into an event that forever changed the course of my path. The day my first child was born turned into one of the hardest days of my life. Almost twenty-four years later, I am still learning to accept our story.
I have been all over the place with my emotions along the way. The first year was the hardest. I had to learn to accept the child I was given and mourn the loss of the child I thought I was going to have, and the life we were going to live together. I grieved like any mother who lost their child despite still holding my baby in my arms each day.
There wasn’t a day that went by that I did not cry for the loss of the dream of having a healthy child during our first year together. I knew the life I had imagined was gone and would never come to fruition. I was terrified of what the unknown future held for the both of us, fearing only the loss and sadness that I assumed would inevitably be my reality.
I knew my life with him would be entirely different than every other mother’s experience that I knew. I did not know anyone else who had a child with severe disabilities. I felt alone because no one I knew felt what I was going through.
Everyone else seemed to be living in an entirely different parenting world than the one I was experiencing. They didn’t live with the realistic fear of their child dying. They didn’t live with the agony of hospital visits each year and long stays. They were not stuck in a life that felt like the movie, “Groundhog Day”, doing the same thing over and over and over again. I have cared for Ryland for twenty-three years. Everything I did for him as a baby, I am still doing as his body matured into an adult. They knew nothing of my world. They were only an outsider looking into my life with empathy, sympathy, and gratitude that it wasn’t them.
I have found that time alone does not heal wounds. It is what you choose to do with the time you are given to accept what happened and look at your world with a different viewpoint. Do you learn from the experience and grow, or do you wallow in self-pity and sadness for the cards you were delt?
I did my share of wallowing in self-pity, placing blame, grieving, and questioning God/A Higher Power asking all the “Why?” questions. I wasted so much time fearing a reality that never happened by living a life in fear and dreading what was to come. I was my worst enemy alone with my thoughts. I caused my greatest suffering. It took me a long time to make intentional attempts to heal, and finding healthy ways to overcome my sadness. It took even longer to accept my story and appreciate the journey I was able to experience with my son.
I became a seeker. My spiritual beliefs and perception of the world has morphed over the years, and continues to evolve. Meditation has helped me tremendously. Am I one hundred percent healed from what happened and live with full acceptance? I would say, “No, I am not.” I am, however, a lot farther on my healing journey than I was almost twenty-four years ago. It has been a slow and gradual process that has only improved with time.
Time is not the reason for the healing. It took effort. It took the desire to heal. It took facing my shadows and hardest times, and asking the hard questions to get through the darkness. It took strength to continue to move forward despite the natural urge to stay in the past. It took a lot of introspection and inner work.
Time alone doesn’t heal the wound. What you do with your time heals wounds. By giving myself grace and patience and allowing myself to heal in my own way, on my own time, has helped me heal throughout my life.